the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
