i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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