My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
