I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
