I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i want to swaddle you in tequila
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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