she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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