How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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