I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
