I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We were destined to go to rehab together
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
