someone threw a dead crab at me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
