I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
