I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
