We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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