Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
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Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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