I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
