I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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