So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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