that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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