everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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