It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
