Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
