The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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