my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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