mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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