Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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