Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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