Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
