Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
