I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
