Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love you.
Bad choice
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
