Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
