I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
