He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
