dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
