i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
