Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
