I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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