Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
how does that bad decision feel?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
