So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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