my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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