I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
