He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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