Someone shit on the floor
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
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