I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
