my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
