Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
