Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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