I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
