You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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