Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
