I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
