so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
