walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can you bring me the toilet please
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
