I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
