I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
