It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
