So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
