I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize