things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
