how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
