i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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